Ruthie’s Story
After decades of chronic pain and insufferable loss, seven years ago my body suffered from a nervous breakdown. I felt broken, hopeless, and depressed. My life as I knew it had completely fallen apart, and I knew that if I wanted to get better, things had to drastically change. I decided to wean myself off the narcotics I had become dependent on and focus on looking within myself for my own healing. I began what would become a life-long journey of unlearning the stories of brokenness that I was telling myself and embracing the wholeness, joy, and healing that lived inside me.
Since then, I’ve had the privilege of traveling the world to help others come back home to themselves and find the healing power that is within them.
About a year ago, on the seventh anniversary of my nervous breakdown, I stopped sleeping again and anxiety overtook my body. It was dark, and I was terrified. Nothing that normally helped was working, and I didn’t know where to turn.
Seven years prior, my family lovingly suggested I go away for treatment to get the help I so desperately needed, but at the time, I was far too concerned with what people would think. Historically, I thought my breakdown was solely brought on by the repercussions of years of physical pain. Yet last year, when the fear, panic, and sleeplessness overtook my body again, I knew it had to be bigger than that.
A friend suggested I check into Milestones, Onsite’s residential extended care program, for a month-long stay. And I’ll admit — I was so scared. My ego felt so much shame. Many of my long-held beliefs around what seeking help at a place like Milestones meant about who I was, the work I do, and the healing journey I had already been on were holding me back from saying yes. I was a person who had committed their life’s work to helping people heal, and yet I was still paralyzed by fear. How could I be in this place again? What about all the work I had done? I was feeling desperate and knew something had to change, and so
I reluctantly agreed to go. That decision was one of the bravest and most loving choices I have ever made.
While the work I did at Milestones revisiting past pain was difficult and intense, I felt so safe and held and cared for every step of the way, which allowed me to uncover trauma that I didn’t even know my body was holding and carrying. Before my time at Milestones, I would have told you that my pain and trauma began with an accident I had when I was 17 — that I didn’t struggle before that. Yet at Milestones, I learned not only about some deep early childhood traumas that I was completely unaware of, but also how we physically carry generational trauma in our DNA. The team at Milestones equipped me with the tools and techniques I needed to process those things, all within a safe community of others who are right alongside you in their own healing journey.
I always describe my healing journey as a constant process of unlearning the limiting stories that hold us back and remembering the divine love and light and healing that is in all of us. And that’s exactly what Milestones at Onsite is: a space holder for the unlearning and remembering.
“Milestones at Onsite is a space holder for the unlearning and remembering.”
Every single “space holder” at Milestones acted as a mirror of the love and light that I needed to heal. They reminded me that my body and my brain are resilient and powerful and capable of healing even the darkest and scariest wounds.
I will forever be on this journey, and I have so much to continue to learn and unlearn. But because of Milestones, a breakdown is something that no longer scares me; a breakdown is just another opportunity for experiencing a breakthrough.
While I had to say goodbye to a version of myself last year while I was at Milestones, the new me that emerged is more whole- hearted, grounded, connected, embodied, aware, and filled with self-love—and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Here I am, one year later, off all medication, sleeping through the night, feeling physically better than I have since before my physical trauma, grateful and in awe of this beautiful life I get to live.
If you are considering Milestones, I encourage you to dive in. You can heal, and what’s more, you deserve to heal. We are meant to live a life of wholeness, and that is what Milestones can equip you to do.
Yes, it is very scary — and also, it’s the most beautiful work you’ll ever do.
If you’re struggling with the effects of trauma, Milestones is here to support you every step of the way. Learn more about the Milestones Experience.
